Send us your favorite joke! We will select the funniest joke each month and the winner will receive $100.00.  The only thing we ask is to keep it clean!  Send your joke to Joke@aginfo.net.

 

 

Old Farmer's  Advice:
  Your fences  need to be horse-high, pig-tight and  bull-strong.
 Keep skunks and  bankers at a distance.
 Life is simpler  when you plow around the stump.
 A bumble bee is  considerably faster than a John Deere  tractor.
 Words that soak  into your ears are whispered...not  yelled.
 Meanness don't jes'  happen overnight.
 Forgive your  enemies; it messes up their heads.
 Do not corner  something that you know is meaner than  you.
 It don't take a  very big person to carry a grudge.
 You cannot unsay a  cruel word.
 Every path has a  few puddles.
 When you wallow  with pigs, expect to get dirty.
 The best sermons  are lived, not preached.
 Most of the stuff  people worry about ain't never gonna happen  anyway.
 Don't judge folks  by their relatives.
 Remember that  silence is sometimes the best  answer.
 Live a good,  honorable life.. Then when you get older and think back,  you'll enjoy it a second time.
 Don't interfere  with somethin' that ain't bothering you  none.
 Timing has a lot to  do with the outcome of a Rain  dance.
 If you find  yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop  diggin'.
 Sometimes you get,  and sometimes you get got.
 The biggest  troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with,  watches you from the mirror every  mornin'.
 Always drink  upstream from the herd.
Good judgment comes from  experience, and a lotta that comes from bad  judgment.  Lettin' the cat  outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back  in.
 If you get to  thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin'  somebody else's dog around..
 Live simply. Love  generously. Care deeply.
 Speak  kindly.
 -- Don't  pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to  fight, He'll just shoot you.

 

A father and son are out hunting deer one day... the father deciding to test the his sons knowledge asks him if he knows the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts ? The son thinks about it for a moment but comes up empty, so the father answers, son... beer nuts are a buck and a half and deer nuts are under a buck!

John, thanks for the chuckle.  Good analogy.... if only Congress understood what a buck was really worth!!!!!

 

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand  and  pulling a male buffalo with the other. 
He says to the waiter: 

"Want coffee."

The waiter says,  "Sure, Chief. Coming right up." 
He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. 
The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, 
Turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, 
Causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere 
And then just walks out. 

The next morning the Indian returns. 
He has his shotgun in one hand again and is pulling 
Another male buffalo with the other. 
He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter 

"Want coffee." 

The waiter says "Whoa, Tonto! 
We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. 
What was all that about, anyway?" 

The Indian smiles and proudly says .. 

"Training for position in United States Congress: 
Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, 
Leave mess for others to clean up, 
Disappear  for rest of day.”

 

 

What's the difference between a pigeon and a farmer with a bad crop?  A pigeon can still make a deposit on a new tractor!

Jim

 

 

 An old dairy farmer from Clackamas County wasn't feeling well so he went to the doctor. Doc told him that he was constipated and needed a stool softener......so the old guy went to WalMart and bought a cushion.

 

Thank you TJ!!!

 

A city slicker got tired of city life and decided to move to the country. He thought he'd like to raise cattle so he bought some ranchland. He thought 50 head would be good to start with, so he went and bought 25 cows and 25 bulls.

City slickers might have to think about this one!

 

Dave and Kat- Pretty funny, keep the jokes comin'

 

My 7 year old grandson Bo told me this joke and I thought you might like it! "What do you call a Bull who sleeps?" A bulldozer ! Thank you Mary- Your grandson is a funny kid!

 

Did you hear about the four city slickers that died drinking milk?

The cow fell on them!

How many city slickers does it take to shingle a barn roof?

Depends on how thin you slice 'em!

 

Thank you for the laugh John! 

A bird hunter accompanied by his faithful hunting dog came upon a likely looking field and received permission from the farmer to hunt the area.

He spent some amount of time working the acreage with his bird dog but failed to get any shooting or flush any birds.

On his way back to his truck he encountered another hunter from a nearby field. He walked over to hunter #2 and struck up a conversation with him. Suddenly his dog set up tight, pointed right at the other hunter.

"Well, that?s strange, this dog has never disappointed me in ten years of hunting. When he points a bird and you?d better be ready. Do you have a bird in your bag," he asked the second hunter?"

"No, I haven?t seen a thing." The 2nd hunter replied.

"Did you bring some fried chicken for lunch?"

"No", the second hunter replied.

"I just don?t understand, this dog has never lied to me. By the way my name is George Stevens, what?s yours?"

"Bob White".

This one is from Paul of Burley, ID.  Thanks Paul!

 

Thieves who steal corn from the garden could be charged with STALKING.
*
When fish are in schools they sometimes take DEBATE
*
Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Thank you Mike for your entries on Today's Chuckles!

TWO BRAZILIAN SOLDIERS
  
The Dept of Defense briefed the president this morning.
They told President Obama that 2 Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq .
 
To everyone's surprise, he collapsed onto his desk, head in his hands, visibly shaken, almost in tears.
Finally, he composed himself and asked, 'Just how many is a brazilian?'
 
This is not surprising, since he obviously has no understanding of billion or trillion either.

YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF . . . . . . 

 

 

 YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF..."

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor.

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

3. You have more wives than teeth.

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.

7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four.

10. You've always had a crush on your neighbor's goat.

11. your cousin is president of the United States

 

Thank you AJ for your two jokes on Today's Chuckles.

 

 

A young cowboy from Prescott, AZ, walks into the White Café in Winslow, AZ. He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a full bowl of chili. After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, “If you ain’t gonna eat that, mind if I do?” The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler, and in his best cowboy manner says, “Nah, go ahead.” Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili into the bowl. The old cowboy quietly says, “Yep, that’s as far as I got, too.”

 

 

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, 'Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started.

Her boyfriend asks, 'What is it supposed to be when it's finished?'

The blonde says, 'According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster.'

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,

'First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.' He takes her hand and says, 'Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then ...' he said with a deep sigh . . . 'Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.'

Thanks Annie- That's pretty funny stuff!

 

A cowboy from the Dakotas decided one cold icy snowy winter to go where it was warm. He decided on Australia and went when the Australian Open (tennis) was being held. He was sitting in the stands watching a match when a breathless attractive young lady took the seat next to him. She asked, "Whose game?" to which he replied, after looking her over, "I am."

 

TJ- Your jokes never fail to make us smile! Thank You.

 

The eastern lady who was all ready to take a
horseback ride said to the cowboy, "Can you get me a nice gentle pony?"

"Shore,"said the cowboy. "What kind of a saddle do you want, English or western?" "What's the difference?" asked the lady.

"The western saddle has horn on it," said the cowboy." 

I came out here to get away from the city.  If the traffic is so thick here on this ranch that I need a horn on my saddle, I don't believe I want to ride."

Wally

 

 

A lonesome rodeo cowboy told the cashier in a coffee shop that she reminded him of his 3rd wife.....She asked, "How many times have you been married?" To which he replied, "Twice."

 

Thanks a bunch TJ, your jokes are always funny!

 

 

 

See who your best friend is;  put your wife and dog in the trunk of your car.   After several hours, open the lid and see who is happy to see you!

 

Thanks Paul. Keep 'em coming!

 

 

In a rural area of Washington State one fine

 

spring day a farmer with about 500 acres of land,

 

had been out planting seeds for the year's

 

crops.  At this moment he had pulled over near a

 

fence by the road, taking a much needed break.

 

Along came a rancher from Texas, on vacation,

 

who just happened to be driving by, saw the

 

farmer sitting on his tractor and thought he'd

 

stop for a chat.

 

 The rancher engaged the farmer in

 

conversation and one thing led to another until

 

they got to a discussion on how big each of

 

their spreads were.  The rancher from Texas,

 

who was very proud of all that he had amassed

 

and the size of his spread told the farmer, "My

 

place is so big, I get in my truck and it takes me

 

all day to get around it." The farmer pondered

 

that for a moment and replied, "Yep, I had me a

 

truck like that once."

 

Thank you David Smith for your entry in Today’s Chuckles
  Peace at last!!!!!

 

 

The Pentagon announced TODAY the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the:   United States Redneck Special Forces (USRSF)   These Southern boys will be dropped into Afghanistan and be given the following facts about the Taliban and terrorists: 1. The season opens today.  2. There is no limit.  3. They taste just like chicken.  4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music, or Jesus.  5. They are responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt. The Pentagon expects the problem in Afghanistan to be over by Friday. Applications available at local Wal-Mart sporting goods counter.